it's gonna be alright

chucks, autumn 2010

things are going to be alright.

talked to x for about 3 hours today. started off feeling pretty crap and angry at myself - ranted and whined for the first half of the conversation, we then moved on to our respective tragic (non-existent) love stories, and then on to movies we've watched repeatedly (love actually for me, the green mile, big fish and shawshank redemption for him). we wrapped things up with no one's gonna love you by band of horses.

many things were said, many of which made sense - these were mainly said by him. HAHAHAHA.

i actually felt better after speaking to him, there is certainly much more depth to this character than i initially thought, am very pleasantly surprised and intrigued, heheheh. :) i think that this might actually be the first time i've talked to a person who's ever come close to truly understanding me.

haha. i hope we end up becoming friends - i've literally actually talked to him for less than a week, after knowing him for more than five years. wow.

good night people, and thank you x. :)

tangent (off one)

tentsmuir beach

this photo is supposed to instill a sense of optimism and hope.

yeah. right.

spent almost the entire day at a barbecue at a forest clearing which was next to one of the most majestic beaches i have seen in a long time.

left the house feeling very frustrated and angsty but it all disappeared when i saw where we were going to have the barbecue. this led to me dreading the ending of this carefree feeling.

now i am back home i feel horribly trapped. trapped in this tangled web of relationships with people who are done with me, people i am done with.

i now subscribe to the philosophy of not blogging cryptically, because i think that it is pretentious, and i think that there is no point in doing so.

i cannot wait to graduate and move out of this hellhole. move away from this petri dish. i am done with people (mis)judging me and assuming the worst from me, done with people fucking lying to me (and the people around them), done with the blatant hypocrisy and how easily some people can bend their principles for convenience.

yes - i know i'm not perfect. but if everybody's already acting like they are the greatest thing to happen to planet earth then why the hell should anybody deprive me of the joy of  acting the same way?

i am done being the person who will always be there for you when you are in the mood to bitch and moan about other people (the very same people you will inevitably end up buttering up in the next 18 hours), i am done meekly apologising when you get annoyed when i whine about the same thing twice whereas i patiently listen and console you when you whine about the same fucking thing every fucking day, and i am fucking done with you dismissing me when your life is going great while having to cater to your every whim when your life is crumbling.

i am done.

i am so frustrated it is not even funny.

YES everybody knows how much of a bitch i am when i "suddenly" give you the cold shoulder or when i am being "passive aggressive". YES everybody knows how unreasonable and immature and childish i am. YES everybody knows that i am the evil one who's out to hurt you, the ever so patient and loving and accepting and altruistic and noble FRIEND.

i am always to blame, who would think otherwise? in fact, this has been so deeply ingrained in EVERYBODY's minds that i actually kinda believe it myself. i actually believe that i am a crappy friend and i don't deserve anybody's kindness because evil always loses in the face of good, innocence and purity.

never EVER would i have EVER thought that i would ever have to "contend" with a competitor so skilled in the art of manipulation.

heh. by the way -

oh yes. i hide things from people because i don't want people to know what i'm doing and how much i've done. oh yes. i am unwilling to share my books and knowledge and information with everybody because i'm afraid that people will overtake me in terms of progress and success. oh yes, yes. all these things are true.

*eyeroll*

i will end this entry abruptly with three words that sum pretty much everything up.

look

who's

(fucking)

talking.

by the river arno

view from piazzale michelangelo

this is where we did not have a picture taken.

this also marks the spot from which nothing counted for anything anymore, and where i wiped the slate clean and vowed never to continue being who i was

(stupid for you)

FR 2753

Battistero di San Giovanni, Pisa

the skies were unbelievably blue, clouds practically non-existent and weather pleasantly (although borderline excessively) warm and sunny.

i have just returned from a four day trip from pisa, lucca and florence. it has been an eventful trip, and although i took less pictures than i should have, the pictures that i have mean a lot to me. i think my photography has evolved, at least from this picture. there are hopefully more to come - because i am no longer on facebook, and i have to showcase them somewhere :P

the past four days have been tough, in more ways than one. it is very crippling to have to deal with the fact that some things will never change, even if you happen to somewhat dive in front of cars on a busy road to save a map. it's even sadder to realise that things will never change even if you dived in front of cars on a busy road to save the life of the owner of said map.

it is hard to deny the truth when it is being played out right in front of your eyes.

so did i enjoy the trip?

i saw the leaning tower and was somewhat overwhelmed by it (i never imagined that i would one day be standing in front of the bloody leaning tower of pisa!)

i visited the cathedral of pisa, and was blown away by the beautiful echoes of the voice of the guard in the baptistry of st john (not so impressive the second time round because there were stupid american teenagers on a field trip in the baptistery who did not know how to appreciate it and would not remain silent) - imagine a one man orchestra! seriously!! (watch this)

i had a bird's eye view of lucca and had the best mandarin ice lolly in my 22 years of existence

i had the opportunity to look at the birth of venus (after standing in line for about one and a half hours!) and michaelangelo's david (it doesn't matter that there is a replica standing in front of the palazzo vecchio - the original will just astound and amaze you with its fluidity - i am not exaggerating, he literally looks like he is ready to just step off his pedestal and stride off into the sunset; if that really happened i don't think anybody would be totally surprised, no other sculptures measure up to it)

i had gelato from eight different gelaterias

i had wild boar, roast rabbit and hare and bistecca alla fiorentina - oh bistecca alla fiorentina!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... so yes, i guess i enjoyed the trip. :)

in retrospect, maybe it was a way better experience than i thought it was.

notes on the things going on in my head however, deserve a separate entry. (but this also means more photos, so yay!)

goodbye tarland

vignette ftw!

i don't think there's going to be a very profound blog post here because i am partially distracted by south park on tv (tv is evil, by the way HAHA)...

it doesn't really matter because i have other photos i took in tarland :)

this photo shows what i am going to be giving my gp before i leave! i had free prints from photobox and i ordered a set of 16 prints but they came out all wonky and undeserving of being given away... so i then ordered another set of prints from kodak (also free!)

i was really pressed for time so i couldn't really edit all pics in photoshop, so i just sent them via bluetooth to my phone, opened them with vignette and applied the palatinotype effect and then bluetoothed them back to my computer to be uploaded

(i know, i know, i should have at least done more editing after that in photoshop, but it was already very late at night and i had to wake up the next day for work...)

the photos in the frame were pictures taken from random places in scotland (i was toying with the idea of compiling my favourite shots - from the rest of europe etc - for him but i guess this is more relevant...), with the middle 2x2 photos being photos taken while i was here :) the picture to the right of the picture of the statue was the one that pushed me to convert all my photos into palatinotype this time! i'm glad i decided to just go ahead and do it, and to use the palatinotype effect instead of sepia because palatinotype suits the frame so much better too! :))

HAHA in a fit of narcissism i decided to sign my name in pencil at the bottom of the photos, i have to practise creating a more artistic signature instead of just signing 'michelle' in cursive -_- i love the frame... i wish i could get one in malaysia :/

(i also hope that they don't remove my photos and just use the frame instead :( )

ok i should stop rambling...

i'm going to be sad to leave tarland, it's been such a good block, in more ways than one, but c'est la vie!

here's to a relatively quiet weekend (back in civilisation!!!!! i know i've been overusing that phrase a lot, lol) and then to pisa and florence!

ps. postcards! :)