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| tentsmuir beach |
this photo is supposed to instill a sense of optimism and hope.
yeah. right.
spent almost the entire day at a barbecue at a forest clearing which was next to one of the most majestic beaches i have seen in a long time.
left the house feeling very frustrated and angsty but it all disappeared when i saw where we were going to have the barbecue. this led to me dreading the ending of this carefree feeling.
now i am back home i feel horribly trapped. trapped in this tangled web of relationships with people who are done with me, people i am done with.
i now subscribe to the philosophy of not blogging cryptically, because i think that it is pretentious, and i think that there is no point in doing so.
i cannot wait to graduate and move out of this hellhole. move away from this petri dish. i am done with people (mis)judging me and assuming the worst from me, done with people fucking lying to me (and the people around them), done with the blatant hypocrisy and how easily some people can bend their principles for convenience.
yes - i know i'm not perfect. but if everybody's already acting like they are the greatest thing to happen to planet earth then why the hell should anybody deprive me of the joy of acting the same way?
i am done being the person who will always be there for you when you are in the mood to bitch and moan about other people (the very same people you will inevitably end up buttering up in the next 18 hours), i am done meekly apologising when you get annoyed when i whine about the same thing twice whereas i patiently listen and console you when you whine about the same fucking thing every fucking day, and i am fucking done with you dismissing me when your life is going great while having to cater to your every whim when your life is crumbling.
i am done.
i am so frustrated it is not even funny.
YES everybody knows how much of a bitch i am when i "suddenly" give you the cold shoulder or when i am being "passive aggressive". YES everybody knows how unreasonable and immature and childish i am. YES everybody knows that i am the evil one who's out to hurt you, the ever so patient and loving and accepting and altruistic and noble FRIEND.
i am always to blame, who would think otherwise? in fact, this has been so deeply ingrained in EVERYBODY's minds that i actually kinda believe it myself. i actually believe that i am a crappy friend and i don't deserve anybody's kindness because evil always loses in the face of good, innocence and purity.
never EVER would i have EVER thought that i would ever have to "contend" with a competitor so skilled in the art of manipulation.
heh. by the way -
oh yes. i hide things from people because i don't want people to know what i'm doing and how much i've done. oh yes. i am unwilling to share my books and knowledge and information with everybody because i'm afraid that people will overtake me in terms of progress and success. oh yes, yes. all these things are true.
*eyeroll*
i will end this entry abruptly with three words that sum pretty much everything up.
look
who's
(fucking)
talking.
