when i grow up...

newcastle, the great north east trip of 2011

i was going on a home visit with my GP this afternoon and we visited this patient who lived on the most beautiful farm ever which was surrounded by hills and had a great view of Morven, one of the great mountains in Aberdeenshire.

i felt so strongly then about wanting to live on a farm, with chickens and cattle and sheep and rabbits and a giant pile of swedes and turnips... i have been telling my GP how nice it would be to live in tarland, and how all the houses were so pretty and how pretty much everybody has a great view of everything. i'd be so far removed from civilisation that there wouldn't be any drama from anybody! (besides from the people in the village, tarland is a 'crazy little place, innit?', to quote and unquote my GP...)

however am i going to be able to own a house/farm in extremely rural scotland when it is also my current life dream to be a high-flying neuro-oncologist working on the east coast of the united states?

HOW!?

i was gushing about how the scenery was so beautiful and all that and telling him that i thought being a rural GP was amazing and he said 'yeah, it's pretty nice, you get to see all sorts of things and patients, but you want to look at brain tumours! only brain tumours! all the time! every day! do you see secondary tumours (to which i shook my head)? do you see... meningiomas (to which i nodded)? oh okay, good then!"

haha, i do admit, however, that life can be quite surreal as a rural GP. he kept pointing houses out and telling me that this was the house in which he saw his first dead body, and oh, look, that's the house in which he saw his first suicide etc etc etc

and oh yeah this was where he got called to see a dead body who washed up from the river in the middle of the night, and they wouldn't remove the body from the river unless he pronounced it dead etc etc etc

i'm not sure i could handle stuff like that over many years...

haha maybe i'll change my mind about all of this when i get back to dundee and the rest of civilisation with 50 mbps internet woohoo!

toodles!

the bathtub chronicles

this reminds me slightly of the bates motel...

this picture was taken from the bottom of the bathtub, in which i was lying after having an outburst fueled by anger and frustration.

the things that happened over the past two days were fodder for the script of a soap opera.

while in the tub, i attempted to contemplate life and the behaviour of the people around me; what makes them do the things they do (or not do), hoping for a revelation that would change my life forever, but all i got was this noise in my head - i spent most of the time wallowing in self-pity and feeling this dull ache in my heart for not being able to follow my own thoughts.

if there is one thing i have learnt this weekend, it is that people will disappoint other people - i know i used to say this a lot but i didn't really believe it because i thought i was being dramatic - and when this happens, everybody is going to have to be okay with everybody else.

omg this is turning into such a whiny post. i am sorry i have nothing less cheesy to write, and for sounding like a thirteen year old. this is just temporary writer's block.

i hope.

haha.

in due time.

in due time.

ps. just gave both my blogs a total overhaul, am loving it! :D

the 23rd hour.

the watermark is back. :)

it has been a trying weekend so far, am still writing at the injustice of having a precious hour stolen from me! hahaha. at least it was on a saturday and not a sunday - for that i will thank the powers that be, haha.

this photo reminds me of a few things. it reminds me of one of the better periods of my life in quite a long time (since my electives, actually, up to the point of it being taken), it also reminds me of a certain sinking feeling in my heart that has been all too familiar over the past four and a half years.

i really can't say anything else without sounding whiny.

i loved you. i love you. i would do pretty much anything for you. would have done. will do.

i know you know all this. i know you love somebody else - i am now feeling like the husband who shares his wife with his neighbour. he must love her so much. so, so much. how could somebody continue sharing his life with the love of his life, who now has another love of her life? how could somebody take the pain of having his heart wrenched out of his chest everytime she leaves the house to create new memories with someone else other than him? how can he bear to be around her, around the both of them?

how?

i cannot bear the thought of being so completely vulnerable to somebody else. i was thinking about how nice it would be if i had a dog and if we ended up being best friends. i then thought about how i wouldn't be able to bear it if the dog then died - as it eventually would.

i then remember all the things you've said about me, and how heartless you sound when you say things like that. you don't exploit the feelings of somebody who loves you. you just don't. it's not right.

but it was okay because i still loved you anyway. you know i'd drop anything and everything. you know. merv says you know how to manipulate me. jing says you're only friends with me because you don't have any other choice. k says you're not worth it. chongbing says you're an asshole. you know what? they're all right. people have told me point blank that this isn't going to go anywhere - repeatedly - and they have been painfully blunt. and they're right. i cannot say that even though you're an asshole to pretty much anybody you're still nice to me because at least you think of me as a friend because you don't. you're still snarky and dismissive and you plain as day discard me when i am of no use.

you cannot spare some time and a bus fare to help me with a rather urgent job (which i am unable to complete because i am three hours away from dundee), you charged me for printing my elective report even though i didn't when i printed your fourth year project for you, you wouldn't help me with returning my books to the library when i have always obliged to do so for you

(among other things, let's not get round to telling the world what i've heard when they tell me the things you say about me)

(and i'm not incredibly difficult to pacify - as you can probably already tell by the magnitude of things i hoped you would have been willing to do)

so why am i still even a friend? i've had friendships called off for less than this.

i don't know how i am going to survive when this block ends and i get back to dundee. i've managed to fully detach myself emotionally from certain people, but i don't think i'll ever manage with you. the sight of you still makes my heart skip a beat, i still bloody annoyingly break out into a smile once you get into my field of vision, and you make me so irritatingly happy that i end up hating myself.

the worst thing is that i know i'm doing this to myself. i know the amount of shit i'm getting myself into, i know that none of this is worth it, i know that you are one of the biggest jackasses i have ever known (and believe me - i have had my fair share of interactions with jackasses), and i know that this is going nowhere. i just refuse to let things go.

i am truly sick of this. i am dreading the void that will come with losing my muse. i will be this uninspirational zombie grazing on the shit of the greater ones before her, and i will lose my identity and personality for some time. it's only natural.

but hopefully, with time, i will regain that spring in my step, that obnoxious laughter and that unincredibly stupid and lame sense of humour - and maybe one day i will finally be rid of the tumour that is

You.

ps. this photo was taken and edited with my phone; i only used photoshop to resize it and to add the border and watermark. am constantly being pleasantly surprised and impressed by my phone - finally a decent camera on a phone (with an equally awesome app to match)! heheh. :D

michelle@tarland.com

 

 i woke up to this one morning while walking to my GP practice. everything was covered in a mist so thick it felt like i was walking in an enchanted village in a different world. everything was unbelievably beautiful.

i have mixed feelings about where i am (figuratively) now. it's all good when i am three hours away and practically uncontactable. i only talk to less than 5 people frequently, and i am removed from the epicentre of all drama and unrest. the mountains and the brown dog that walks along the perimeter of the fence with me when i walk past his house replace the anxiety and frustration i feel when i am anywhere near civilisation.

i came back this weekend, and was reminded of certain things - and people. i was also reacquainted with certain feelings i wish i never had. and when c told me what c told me - that the feline was a good match with thunder - my universe imploded slightly (ever the drama queen, i know) - and there was a noticeable but barely audible hiss of released air.

but one gathers one's losses and tries to soldier on, as well as she can.

sometimes i feel so deeply for you that it hurts, but in a good way. 

two more weeks. driving around tarland and going to aboyne for house visits and visiting alstrean house fills me with a great love for scotland. i am terribly fond of tarland now, and shall be horribly sad to leave. 

on a more sombre (and pathetic) note, here's to the next three months, and to the next two years.