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| the watermark is back. :) |
it has been a trying weekend so far, am still writing at the injustice of having a precious hour stolen from me! hahaha. at least it was on a saturday and not a sunday - for that i will thank the powers that be, haha.
this photo reminds me of a few things. it reminds me of one of the better periods of my life in quite a long time (since my electives, actually, up to the point of it being taken), it also reminds me of a certain sinking feeling in my heart that has been all too familiar over the past four and a half years.
i really can't say anything else without sounding whiny.
i loved you. i love you. i would do pretty much anything for you. would have done. will do.
i know you know all this. i know you love somebody else - i am now feeling like the husband who shares his wife with his neighbour. he must love her so much. so, so much. how could somebody continue sharing his life with the love of his life, who now has another love of her life? how could somebody take the pain of having his heart wrenched out of his chest everytime she leaves the house to create new memories with someone else other than him? how can he bear to be around her, around the both of them?
how?
i cannot bear the thought of being so completely vulnerable to somebody else. i was thinking about how nice it would be if i had a dog and if we ended up being best friends. i then thought about how i wouldn't be able to bear it if the dog then died - as it eventually would.
i then remember all the things you've said about me, and how heartless you sound when you say things like that. you don't exploit the feelings of somebody who loves you. you just don't. it's not right.
but it was okay because i still loved you anyway. you know i'd drop anything and everything. you know. merv says you know how to manipulate me. jing says you're only friends with me because you don't have any other choice. k says you're not worth it. chongbing says you're an asshole. you know what? they're all right. people have told me point blank that this isn't going to go anywhere - repeatedly - and they have been painfully blunt. and they're right. i cannot say that even though you're an asshole to pretty much anybody you're still nice to me because at least you think of me as a friend because you don't. you're still snarky and dismissive and you plain as day discard me when i am of no use.
you cannot spare some time and a bus fare to help me with a rather urgent job (which i am unable to complete because i am three hours away from dundee), you charged me for printing my elective report even though i didn't when i printed your fourth year project for you, you wouldn't help me with returning my books to the library when i have always obliged to do so for you
(among other things, let's not get round to telling the world what i've heard when they tell me the things you say about me)
(and i'm not incredibly difficult to pacify - as you can probably already tell by the magnitude of things i hoped you would have been willing to do)
so why am i still even a friend? i've had friendships called off for less than this.
i don't know how i am going to survive when this block ends and i get back to dundee. i've managed to fully detach myself emotionally from certain people, but i don't think i'll ever manage with you. the sight of you still makes my heart skip a beat, i still bloody annoyingly break out into a smile once you get into my field of vision, and you make me so irritatingly happy that i end up hating myself.
the worst thing is that i know i'm doing this to myself. i know the amount of shit i'm getting myself into, i know that none of this is worth it, i know that you are one of the biggest jackasses i have ever known (and believe me - i have had my fair share of interactions with jackasses), and i know that this is going nowhere. i just refuse to let things go.
i am truly sick of this. i am dreading the void that will come with losing my muse. i will be this uninspirational zombie grazing on the shit of the greater ones before her, and i will lose my identity and personality for some time. it's only natural.
but hopefully, with time, i will regain that spring in my step, that obnoxious laughter and that unincredibly stupid and lame sense of humour - and maybe one day i will finally be rid of the tumour that is
You.
ps. this photo was taken and edited with my phone; i only used photoshop to resize it and to add the border and watermark. am constantly being pleasantly surprised and impressed by my phone - finally a decent camera on a phone (with an equally awesome app to match)! heheh. :D
