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| the power to make or break |
not only did my supervisor write in "Excellent" in ALL the boxes meant for the grades awarded to each outcome ("safe pass unless otherwise stated" *eyeroll, it doesn't even tell the supervisor what kinds of grades to fill in), he also gave me the most glowing comments i have ever received in the four years of my medical school life. sure, i've had compliments from consultants occasionally, but this is a whole new thing all together. to receive these affirmations from a doctor, researcher and educator i deeply respect means so much to me.
the way things go in the UK, if i were to do my elective there, all i would probably have gotten was a handwritten comment of two lines saying something along the lines of "enthusiastic, a pleasure to have around for the elective". if i had done this in malaysia, all the boxes would have been ticked (as opposed to being "graded"), and i wouldn't even have any comments, handwritten or not - the more caring consultants might even out of the extreme mercy of their hearts throw me a bone which takes the form of a single word - "good" in the comments box.
i am very touched that dr grossman actually took the time to write something this nice and to actually have it printed out and stuck on the form. i am touched that he actually took this whole "inconsequential" thing (in the perspective of professionals who are high above this level) and take it as seriously as i have and am and actually have given me all this praise which i still kind of do not believe that i deserve.
my closest friends would know that i am now having one of the toughest struggles of my life.
(actually they wouldn't know, they probably think that i'm being all dramatic as usual, haha)
i lost all faith in my abilities to function satisfactorily as a medical student. i did not believe that i had what it took to make it as a doctor. i thought that being in medical school was a waste of everybody's time, resources and money. i believed that i did not deserve to be here doing this elective.
i didn't believe that i deserved to be in medical school.
11 days ago, i was still splashing around in a puddle of denial (HAHAHAH i should've said i was splashing in Denial River wtf). i sounded like i liked neuro-oncology, but i was waffling around. it was all superficial talk, and i very pointedly did not commit to anything. it was spoken with the freedom and lack of contemplation and seriousness that comes with non-committance and dismissiveness.
i don't know what produced the change in me now that i do not recognise in that post 11 days ago - perhaps it was reading all those medical student blog entries and actually stopping to think about whether i was happy being like this - being ignorant of all current issues, not having a stand when it comes to my life, letting my life be controlled by other people because i just couldn't be bothered... perhaps it was writing the long entry before this which stripped everything down (you know you've done something right when you feel better after blogging). perhaps it was the (sub)conscious decision to stop hating myself and to stop being so hard on myself and the people around me, and to stop being wound up over all the minutiae of life. things started being put into perspective...
... perhaps it was that residency chat i had with mh earlier this afternoon that told me that yes, all this isn't but a dream that only happened to other people. this isn't just one of those things that would never happen to me. this could all be mine, but only if i wanted it badly enough, only if i got my shit together for real this time and worked hard towards it. these things happen to real people, and the real people these things happen to are as real as me, so why not me?
i was always afraid of taking that first step - this has always been my downfall. the safest choice has always been my default choice - i was free to express myself and excel, as long as i expressed myself within these neat borders. i was free to colour this picture in however i wanted - as long as i used a 'reasonable' colour scheme and stayed within the lines.
in many ways, this brick wall needed to be erected. i needed a rude, harsh and greatly unwelcome wake up call which would've stopped me dead in my tracks and knocked the wind out of my sails. i would have to fall, the things that would actually hurt - spirit, confidence and self-belief - would have to be broken. i would have to learn to pick myself up from all this shit and be comfortable enough to move along so that i could appreciate the magnitude of the opportunities that are still available to me. it's not the end of the world, it's just the beginning of a new path.
i would also like to attribute part of this resolve to stop being an emo pessimist to reading tar's blog. :)
i have also recently realised (again) that happiness IS a choice, and like tar did, that i did have the ability to affect how i felt and how i perceived things. i did not have to bother getting mad with people who did not have the time to want to bother with me or to listen to me, i did not have to get all frustrated with people not initiating contact with me, and i did not have to get all annoyed because somebody didn't want to tell me a secret.
are all these things significant? maybe - if i did not have anything better to focus on other than how i am not the focus of these people who obviously have their own lives to live. so why am i living my life based on how 'important' i am perceived to be by these people when i should be worrying about my own life?
i was also very inspired by one of tar's posts which mentioned the possibility of losing everything and everyone i knew when i decided to follow my heart and to do what i really want. not only was i rather excited at this notion, i found it a relief. i'm sick of having all this emotional baggage for no reason, i am sick of being pessimistic and resigned, and i am sick of naysayers making me feel like crap. more so, i am sick of being a backseat driver, no, passenger/observer of my own life.
it's my life and i don't want anybody interfering with it, i wouldn't want a cardiologist messing with my brain! i am so happy that i am still (relatively) young and haven't mucked up too much of my life yet. i have also realised that my past attitude will not get me anywhere, and that i can never have fun with an outlook like that. i think the biggest reason that i enjoyed my time so much here is because i had fun (what other way is there of genuinely having a good time?)! and why did i have fun? the people here are mostly upbeat, hopeful, optimistic and they all have a sense of humour. (prof's slightly questionable HAHAHAHAH <3)
i want to be like that.
i also recognise that being around pessimists suck the energy out of you. but i am also willing to take a chance on optimism being contagious and be optimistic when these energy suckers work their (dark) magic! and i shouldn't need to worry about dropping friends... as long as i put in effort on my part, the right ones will always stick around. :) <3
anyway i have yet digressed again -_- haha i don't know what it is with all these long entries, perhaps this is a phase of transition and i wholeheartedly agree that a long optimistic post is worth more than a 3 line self-pitying post. :)
the actual point of this entry can be summarised into a single sentence: being a doctor not only gives you the power to treat, it also gives you the immense honour of being able to educate, and most importantly inspire.
i would like to thank all the doctors who have inspired me thus far - especially prof and mh - they appeared in my life when i needed them the most, and that made all the difference.
as an epilogue, here is the full version of what was written in the comments box, so that i shall never, ever forget:
It has been a genuine pleasure to have Michelle Lim for a 6 week elective in Neuro-Oncology at Johns Hopkins. She is a bright, well-informed, enthusiastic, and conscientious student with excellent interpersonal skills and clinical instincts. She will make an excellent physician. It is my sincere hope that she elects to pursue studies in neuro-oncology and that we have a chance to interact again in the near future. She has done an outstanding job in this elective.self-belief is one of the most important things you can help anybody regain.
PS. this might not seem like a big thing, but i have decided that i will try my best to stop using :( and :/ from now on! only plenty of :)s and :Ds! :)
