no loose change

today is a good day

not because these duckies mean anything

but precisely because they don't mean anything at all.

:)

i still think about you occasionally, and how great it would be if we were still friends - we would conquer the universe together many times over, and we wouldn't need to be afraid of being alone because we'd always have each other.

and then i think about what she's told me about what potentially almost happened between you and her (this is somebody else) and how everything happened when we were... us and how i suddenly realised with a cold gripping fear that you probably are not the same person anymore, and i realise that perhaps this is the best ending there is.

you are still you, and i'm still... me. without the interruption of reality and/or time.

it is very hard for me to fully let this go although time has already done its magic and i am free from all the guilt, desperation and regret. i am finding it harder and harder to idealise you and i am finding that i remember less each day. i, however, find comfort in the fact that once upon a time, life was perfect and i couldn't have wished for anything more. when i think about that, i somehow tell myself that i must be missing all that and i must be losing out on something, and then i mourn for it "obligatorily"...

... which is a very twisted thing to do -_-

(edit: i also realise that i have been stubbornly subscribing to certain idiosyncrasies as a sort of a 'tribute' to you, so much so that i don't really have an identity anymore. it is perhaps obscure knowledge that it is an unfortunate fact that my life is a patchwork quilt of similar 'tributes' to similarly undeserving individuals. i am intending to do something about this. seriously.)

SO. this is me - on the brink of a new phase of my life, with new people in it, and some people no longer in it. it is time to say goodbye (again) and hopefully this is the last time i will attempt it.

i don't owe you a lifetime of regret and remorse. i've done all i can (regretfully too, retrospectively) to fix things and i've tried to facilitate potentially one of the greatest friendships in our lives but to no avail.

oh well.

i'm getting real bored of saying this but here i go again - goodbye, and have a good life.

:)

ps. ugh does this mean i have to change my banner now...? asdklfjawepoijbpsofdnbkaljnerfuawiernaidfjbsnkb

inevitable

13th february, 2011.

i keep telling myself that there is no point anymore.

reset the counters, everybody.

actually, no - keep them going.

this is one of the greatest battles of my life, i'm going to try to put up a show i will never forget.

:)

leeds

leeds was a very pleasant surprise! :) i didn't expect it to be as nice as it turn out to be... also, i was kinda bothered about things that could potentially happen but did not really, so all was good!

this picture is actually quite different from the original - it has been photoshopped quite extensively. my intent was to bring out the texture of the red brick wall more than enhancing the mural itself. i then had to upload it to picasa through my phone because i have now overshot my bandwidth for mobile broadband and can no longer do anything besides browse -_- the point of me telling you this is because i transferred it to my phone and it looked significantly different on my phone monitor - which i think displays colour more accurately than my laptop monitor - i don't know why all the laptops i've had seem to have problems with displaying colour properly, maybe it's a dell thing -_-

but no really - i count this as one of my better photoshopping attempts! :)

why was leeds pleasantly surprising? i love all the (shopping) arcades that have a victorian twist to them! i also love how the high street is so compact and how it is so wide and there is so much space for walking! i also love how the city is so compact in general - walking from one end to the other would take only slightly more than 15 minutes. i also love the thackray medical museum (though i will admit that it is slightly overpriced at 6 pounds a pop - i think they should offer even lower entrance rates to medical students! hmph) and am still considerably disturbed by one of the exhibits :S i also realised how people can feel so strongly about visiting museums of certain specialties - like the air and space museum and random art museums and museums of natural history... this is probably the 2nd "proper" medical museum i've visited, and i can see how the general public might not be as passionate about it as i am, and i find that quite refreshing in a way (i don't really know if i'm sounding coherent, i woke up at 0645 hrs today and i desperately need sleep now...) i also love how leeds is so unassuming and how there is actually so much more to explore!

HOWEVER, i do not think i like leeds more than i liked york... hahahahaha. i think i am just very pleasantly surprised by leeds...

and mmmmmmm red chilli! the red chilli here is also very considerably better than the one in york!

most importantly - i now also know that certain things are at the same time more and less complicated that i've been taking them to be. and that shall be my cryptic statement that ends this entry.

good night! :)

york

york was beautiful in more ways than one - even in the sleet.

that is (not) all.

:)

leed's tomorrow!

fire

i was pretty fired up about writing this entry until i was involved in a conversation about grilled skate wings, chilled seafood platters and things to do in scarborough.

(which, i also just realised, is a pretty apt metaphor for this entry)

sometimes it's very easy to lose sight of what you really want in the midst of the chaos that tangles itself around our feet in the haste and excitement of everyday life. i almost lost sight of it until i saw a link on the cancerdundee site advertising an essay competition on a topic relating to clinical oncology or on my personal experiences in a clinical oncology unit...

i then went through my elective photo folder and located the pic at the beginning of this entry - i was looking for a picture that signified hope and passion - happy accident! i love the lens flare on the right side of the horizon, just the thing i was looking for :)

it's funny how sifting through thumbnails of pictures can stir up emotions so great, even after more than half a year! i miss baltimore and washington sorely (am actually quite impressed that i managed to visit the aquarium and random places and take the train and travel around washington all by myself HAHAH) - and hopkins even more (i will never forget the pure joy at discovering sushi in the canteen!!!!! and the kinda crappy wraps from the kiosk in the CRC!! and the clinics and tumour board meetings and the people! the marvelous marvelous wonderful beautiful amazing inspirational PEOPLE!)

anyway - i was also looking through person specifications for oncology specialty training posts and was suddenly all fired up to want to study for my MRCP and do a BMSc in clinical research and then a MRes in Cancer Biology... i also want to do my USMLE and then eventually work in the US and with hopkins!!!!!!!!!

sigh - one step at a time i guess.

i think it is also interesting that i am actually finding ITU rather interesting as well! hmm, let's see how this goes - i want to get the most out of the most remaining 3 weeks and see what i think about this specialty at the end of this block. i'm thinking of coming up with another audit topic rather than do it on something boring like handwashing wtf -_-

goals of the week!

(edited)

1. PLEASE finish up case report on histiocytic sarcoma
2. have a serious think about what i want to write about for the essay prize
3. email dr hkl to inform about case report and essay prize
4. PLEASE email patient consent form to NHS REC. urgh. can we just get this over and done with wtf -_-

woohoo! one more big (technically noncompulsory) thing to do! and only a day late! HAHA. -_-

going to sleep now, off to scarborough in the morning! :)